Mom

Bittersweet reminders of you
They bring me a glow of joy
And then a crash into the depths
They surround me and I can't leave
My home, my love, my birth

A tattered baby blanket sits on a box
Inside are pictures and trinkets you lovingly saved
I can't let go... You made me
You were there for every little thing
Through mud and sand, you were there
Your very presence felt like home

How do I let go of home?
The person who gave me life...
Worked at a job she hated
To put a roof over our head
Raised us to be one
Empress to everyone
A true rose in the garden
Like her "ugly" tattoo branded her to be

All I can give you anymore is all of my love
I hope with all my heart that you are doing ok
Wherever you are... I wish you'd never left
With every passing minute
I only miss you more

I miss you Mom

You were the best mother I could've ever asked for. I will always love you. I'm sorry you had to leave this way... I'm sorry you left at all. I miss you so much. There is a hole in my heart that will never be filled.

I'm trying to focus on all the happy times we had together, because I think you would've wanted that... But it's so fresh, so unreal... And it's killing me to have to let you go. You were my best friend, my co-parent... I don't know what I would've done without you. You were my everything. We had such good times, and came through the rough times together. I've never been as close to anyone as we were. I will think of you every day for the rest of my life.

I love you so much.

Thyroid cancer is unique... Where's our support groups?

I was thinking about some of the little things that come along with having survived thyroid cancer - like never being warm enough - shop I did a Google search looking for information on it. I wanted to see if others are still as frozen to the bone as their waiting for radioactive iodine days. Because I am. I found ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

Not a word. I started looking for other thyroid specific things, and found nothing about thyroid cancer. There isn't much out there, even on the thyca website.

Then, I started thinking about the people going through treatment with nobody to talk to about it. I remember finding some support on general cancer websites, but hardly anyone knows about thyroid cancer.

Here are a few facts, in case you're one of the people who don't know:
1. There are three kinds.
     Anaplastic, fastest spreading. Frequently lethal and difficult to treat.
     Medullary, moderate spread in most people. Thought to have a genetic component. Harder to treat and more lethal than papillary.
      Papillary, slow spreading except in children. Aggressive in children. Normally very easy to treat, most survivable cancer there is. Often pops back up again later on and is treated as a chronic health condition.
2. Thyroid cancer is quite common.
3. Treatment often involves total removal of the thyroid gland, total thyroidectomy.
4. Total thyroidectomy results in lifelong thyroid symptoms.
5. After total thyroidectomy, thyroid hormone MUST be taken daily for life - going off of it will eventually kill you.
6. Both papillary and medullary can come back as anaplastic.

Moving on, I've made a new goal. I want to create a forum especially for thyroid cancer. Survivors can swap war stories and find support for constantly suffering from hypothyroid symptoms, and the newly diagnosed can find support and answers. This. Needs. To. Happen. Well, my arm hurts from lactic acid buildup. That's a strange hypothyroid thing. There are lots.

halfway thoughts

Fragment #1

haze of light
flash of insight
dark is in the mind
how do you find
the defendant shakes

Fragment #2

what you take
lacks in shape
not enough cake

You :-)

Whenever you're gone...
I am not alone
whenever we're on
I can't get enough

Whenever you're gone, I forget about you, to a degree... You're always in the back of my mind, but I'm fine. I just do my thing.

Whenever you're around, I just want more and more and more... I am insatiable when it comes to you... I can't stop. I am so taken with you that it makes my cheeks flush to talk to you... STILL. After all this time. Still.

somewhere

distance
fuels the fires
yet dampens the air
my face tires
from struggling to breathe
walking the line
suffocated by space
but everything's fine

it's like you're really here
but i know better
sucked under by fear
left to wonder
once again
my devices spun out of control
the best is slain
ambiguity is the rule

distance
fills my head
all alone
am i better off dead?
or better facing demons myself?
suffocated by space
running out of life
is this disgrace?

quiet

My dark little corner of the interwebz has been rather quiet these days... I'm sorry. My mind has been elsewhere, and thus, I've been elsewhere. I owe you guys a happy post about the birthday party, and I was waiting until I could write it, which is why I've written nothing. You know how sometimes one of your friends wants to talk to you, but you just don't have the energy to say anything worth saying? Like if you respond to them, you'll only bring them down? Maybe it's just me... Anyway, that's where I'm at. And yet I can't seem to write anything NEGATIVE that's worth writing. That's usually my forte! Part of me wants to write some terrible poetry about suicide, part of me is too medicated to care, and part of me wants to write it on the spot with the music for once. I don't know what to do with myself, I guess. I sang in front of people the other day... I've been working on that. I have a great voice, I just have social anxiety most of the time. That's why I don't do videos. With writing, I can have a voice without being seen. I love that. However, when I sang in front of those people, I felt like I had a voice and COULD be seen, and I LOVED it. I've sang in front of people before, it's nothing really new. I was in choir in various incarnations for YEARS and I've done karaoke before. I hated karaoke, I think it was because of the crowd, in a way. They liked me. All eyes were intently on me. How terrifying! This time, I was at a party, another room full of drunk people... I was singing with two other girls, we were harmonizing beautifully... A man was playing his guitar, and at first he was singing too, but after a while, he just listened. I enjoyed the performance aspect of it. I know it was a small crowd, but I actually liked it. Usually, I just like the quiet. To hide amongst the shadows...
END TRANSMISSION - THIS TAPE WILL SELF DESTRUCT IN EXACTLY 10 SECONDS. 

Music lover

Back to school fears

I'm still having trouble attaching images. I'm working on it. I'm sure this blog would be better with some more pictures. 1000 words, right? 

So I'm using a draft from another post to make this one. It looks a little different... Anyway... My daughter is going from homeschool to regular public middle school this year and I'm so worried for her. My experience with school at her age was terrible. I hope it's better for her. I sincerely doubt kids have gotten less mean though. I guess for the most part, I wasn't picked on too badly, I was just invisible... But I remember sticking up for my friends who were getting bullied. I think that as adults, many of us still face bullying on some level. I was thinking about it today and I think I've faced worse bullying in adulthood than I did as a kid. I think I just didn't care as a kid so I wasn't a good target. As I got older, the bullies started being bosses and other people I'd be better off having on my side. I think I need to get better at shrugging it off or something. I feel like I have since I hit my thirties... 

Anyway, I hope my daughter doesn't have problems with the other kids in her classes. She's a tough kid and doesn't seem to care what other people think so hopefully she'll be fine. I think I've raised her well enough to stay out of trouble, too. I sure hope so. I know how the teen years can have an impact on adulthood. I want her to have all those interesting experiences with things like wood shop and all those other interesting classes. She's in choir this year. She loves to sing, so that'll be good for her. I think she'll do fine. I just worry about how mean other kids can be. I mean, who hasn't been picked on by the other kids at some point? And my daughter's been away from all that for a few years now. Now she'll be in a whole school of other fish... I'm trying to do what I can to make transitioning easier. We've been working on her sleep schedule and I'm trying to make sure that her frustration level climbs a little bit higher so she'll be able to handle the pressures... She gets frustrated pretty easily, but like I said, we're working on it. Anyway, she's excited to start school and I am trying to be as positive about it as possible since my own experience was hellish. I remember how people would pick out one little thing and just fixate on it forever. I just hope her experience is a good one.

Well, this has been a long little ramble... I'm gonna stop rambling now. Bye!

Just hanging out in the closet 2

This one might actually work

Positivity

I'm trying very hard today to remain positive about things. There isn't much going on that's negative... It's just one of those days... Where you wake up and don't feel quite right... So I'm trying to push through it. I still haven't spoken to him... The him. I don't know if I want to. But that's neither here nor there.

I drove my sister all over the free world today. That was interesting... It was hot. Thankfully, I am a reptile who loves to bask in the sun. I wish I could add images inline on this, but no. Maybe there's another app for that? I bet there is...

I'm rambling on about nothing... As usual, right? I have no idea what to talk about today. No one cares anyway. My cat has decided he owns the foot of my bed and every night when he meows for me to get in it, he bites my feet until I move them out of "his spot", which is really the entire foot of the bed. I think it's time to kick him off the bed.

Thoughts are racing by, but they're incoherent nothings as far as thoughts go... You can't really verbalize half a thought. Does anybody else have that problem? No? Just me?

I feel like I haven't talked to you guys in forever. I don't like it when I go too long between entries. I start to miss you guys... Whoever it is you are... My audience... I like you guys. Maybe sometime we can talk.

I feel like I was intended for a warmer climate than where I'm at. I intend to move south at some point. I think I was made for the south. It's too damn cold up here.

I've been pretty anxious lately, thinking about the future. I don't know who is going to be in it, since I haven't decided... And I refuse to until I'm damn well ready. I don't know if I'll make it into the program I'm aiming for, or if I should just go with an English major, which I'd like better anyway... How better to find my people than to do something I like, right?

Speaking of which... Where the hell are my people?? I'm in my thirties. I should've found them somewhere by now, but I don't feel like I have at all. I have friends, but it's a few scattered here and there... No circles, just a few people I like. They still don't feel like "my people", except for one... I feel like she sees me. The rest it takes work to keep around. I don't mean the normal kind of friendship work either.

This has gotten decidedly not positive. I guess I'm not very good at positive. That's probably half my problem. I'll work on that. I need to write more music too... I feel like there's a song I should be writing this week, while there's all this change in the air, but he doesn't inspire me much lately... Perhaps a song without a male muse is in order.

I can't sleep. I'm excited, and anxious about mostly nothing. On both fronts. Very odd. I just got a sudden craving for potatoes. I wonder what's in them that makes me crave them ALL THE TIME. Carbs, I guess...

Ok, I'm fine boring you guys with all my rambling. Thanks for reading my nonsense. :-)

Birthday party!

Here is a picture of the cake. I'm not sure it'll turn out the way I hope it will. I'm still working on figuring out how to attach pics without my computer. I've noticed that when I attach an image, the post often doesn't show up at all... o_O

Anyway, the party went very well. She was so happy with the way everything turned out, which is what matters. The cake was delicious. The edible image tasted pretty rich. It was very good though.

We'll see if this post turns out. I'd hate to add a bunch of content only for it to fail to upload...

Post title

I feel anxious lately, and like I'm not living up to my potential. At the very least, I'm trying to be a better blogger. Let me know in my comments what you'd like to read more about, or what you'd like to see on my blog. I'll be nice, I promise!

Now that that's been said, on with the anxious rambling... I feel like I have a lot of wasted potential, and I don't know what to use it for. I feel kind of lost... Like, I have no idea what I should be doing... With my life, my time... No ideas... I'm going to school, but I unsure of it. I'm unsure of a lot of things, really. I just feel like I should be doing more than I am. Do you ever feel like no matter what you do, it's just not enough? There are a lot of things that I care about, like breast cancer research, and the conditions of animal shelters... I have a lot of causes that I care deeply about... I'm just always so busy muddling through my own crap to do much about it. I think I'll do a breast cancer walk or something. That'd help...

I have a lot of things I'd like to be better at, too. I can play the guitar, but only a few chords... I can speak a tiny little bit of Spanish, I can bake, but can't cook... There are a lot of half-baked talents I have... I can't seem to pick one to refine, though. I suppose anything would beat watching television. What a time drain!

I don't know... Soon, I have to start picking up some shifts at work, and school will resume, and then I won't even have enough time for myself to think about wanting to do more, let alone the time to actually do it. I don't know. I'm sorry this entry is so boring. Please let me know what I can do to be a better blogger. Your input really does matter to me.

Bye for now. :)

daily ramble

I had a really busy day today. I always wonder what different people consider "busy". I've known some people who are busy with themselves all day, people who are just working on maintaining their lives, and people who are busy in the service of others all day. But I always wonder... at what point are you "busy"?

Registering a child for school involves a lot of paperwork. My daughter is very excited to go back to regular school. I hope she likes it more than I did. I hated school. I didn't really get picked on. I was ignored by everyone. I was invisible. I spent my teen years trying to find a voice. I can't say I really succeeded, at least not then. I wrote a lot, I painted, I did a lot of things I shouldn't have... But overall, it was a miserable time for me. I didn't have very many friends, my family life was chaotic, and I couldn't find very many reasons to keep going. I wish I had stuck around for high school, though, because there would have been a lot of opportunities for me to learn skills. I'm currently always looking for opportunities to learn new skills. But now that I'm an adult (sorta), I find I have to make the opportunities. Making opportunities turns out to be trickier than it sounds.

I really do hope she likes it, though. She probably will. She usually gets along with others very well, and always seems to be well-liked. It's cute to see how excited she is! She is excited for back to school shopping, her first day, and taking art classes. I've always been really proud of her. She's an amazing kid. I can't wait to see who she becomes. She's very strong-willed, and very individualistic, which makes me very happy. She's funny and witty and smart, too. I think that the fact that she is such an individual will serve her well when it comes to surviving school, and life afterward. I think it's really important for children to be who they are, and not feel pressured to change to please someone else. It's still important in adulthood. I'm happy to see that trait in my child.

I think it's very important for children to stay in school. There are so many opportunities that aren't going to be as easy to find when you get older. If I could go back and do it all over, I would do it differently. I wouldn't miss out on all high school might have offered me. I'm sure that for me, it would've mostly been a miserable experience, but I'd be stronger for having done it, and I could've learned a lot. I constantly feel like I missed out on things because I didn't go. Both as a person and as a student. As a person, I missed important skill-building opportunities and friendships, dances and other social events, social skill building, etc. As a student, I missed math, chemistry, and biology entirely, and the opportunity to refine my writing skills (if you call this rambling "writing"). I missed so much more than I can convey here... So if any kids come across this blog, STAY IN SCHOOL. You'll miss a lot if you don't, and you'll be so much better off for sticking it out, even though it's hard.

I think I'm done for now on that topic. STAY IN SCHOOL!
~A

Scan

So... I was supposed to go in for an ultrasound of my neck like a year ago... I didn't for quite a while because I didn't have health insurance... Now I'm just not organized enough to get it done. I think my slip expired. I don't know. How do people get things done? I forgot how to stuff. I guess I have to contact my doctor to get a new slip? And then find a n imaging place? I just remembered... That was part of the reason I didn't do it.. I live approximately nowhere and I don't think there's a place nearby. Hmm. I think I'm ok though. No strange growths, I've been cancer free for about 10 years... That's pretty cool, really. Now if I could just finish something ha ha ha. I try not to bite you guys with the details, but I thought I'd give an update anyway. Even though this is probably one of the most boring posts on any blog ever. Even those "make money fast" ones are pretty exciting. I'm betting sarcastic, but sarcasm is hard to cover with words alone. You should have seen the face I made though. It was funny in my head at least. I keep thinking of making a vlog, but I'm not really thrilled with the idea of people looking at me. It'd be good because a facial expression can relay more information than a few words can, and I could do something entertaining, but I'd have people looking at me. I don't like that part. I would probably just set up a camera and be a goofball on it, but try to be somewhat informative too. Maybe after some dental work. I'm not quite "camera ready". But my jokes would make a lot more sense if you could see my face, because then you'd know I was joking. Most of the time I am. Unless I'm depressed and then all bets are off. I wish I could share pictures more easily on this blog. I usually blog on my phone. There's no button for pictures on it. But I have all my funny pictures on my phone (where I took them or downloaded them), and they're difficult to transfer over. I tried to post a picture a day or so? ago and I don't think it quite worked out. I can't see from my end whether it did or not. I don't know. I post from my phone because it's easier than typing and I'm a bit lazy on that one. Hmm... I think this little pile of word vomit has gone on long enough now. See you later.

Just hanging out in the closet...

Minecraft Cake Quest

My daughter wants a Minecraft cake this year. I wanted to deliver, but didn't have the three million years it takes to make one of those beautiful homemade ones you see on Youtube. Since I didn't have time, I looked all over for Minecraft decorations. I found a lot of things out there, and a lot of them were really cool.

I found these little fondant sculptures of Minecraft characters available here:

Unfortunately, the store was closed for the summer, so I was unable to order from them. They are absolutely beautiful, though, and I highly recommend going to the website and looking around. I found them a little bit pricey for me, but was going to order a few anyway because they are so cool.

I found this article on Minecraft party ideas, which I found very helpful. I looked around the website a bit, too, and found it interesting. There are a lot of really cool ideas on it.

I found a lot of cool little paper toppers, too, but decided if I wanted those, I could probably save myself some money and print and assemble them myself.

What I finally decided to use was a handmade Minecraft edible image. I bought it from ktprincess28 on eBay for $10.50, which I found to be a perfectly reasonable price. Ktprincess28 makes these, and they come in many different images, including Frozen. Here is what it looked like when it came to me:

The instructions I was given by the creator were to keep it in a cool, dry place so it won't run or melt. I've done my best, but we've had temps in the 90s with high humidity. My house is air-conditioned, but not well. My image is still fine. I'll show you guys a picture of the cake when it's on, too.
The image is paper thin. It's a really cool idea, and I thought I would share.

I'll let you know how the party works out, too.

Stuff? Random stuff...

Twitter is stupid. Every time I'm on Twitter even for a minute, I think, "wow! Twitter is really stupid" and then I leave.

There's a waffle in my hair! No, really... There's a cat named Waffle sleeping in my hair. He's all tangled up in it. I have very long, curly hair. I wonder if he'll get stuck... Probably, but it's still funny.

Nebulizers everywhere... And SO many trips to the store. Find a cute kitty a good home and wash your hair! Over there, over there, over there! Anybody remember that? From the Golden Girls? I used to watch that with my grandmother when it was still on the air. Yes, I am aware that I've just dated myself. That's ok.

I want sweet tea, but we're out of tea again and I don't wanna go to the store. Ah, first world problems...

Birthday parties... Whatever happened to tea parties..? While we're taking about parties... It's that time... For a birthday party that signifies the end of tea parties as I know it. It's gone by far too fast. All grown, almost.

The Waffle has left my hair. And He didn't get stuck. I was sure he would, since waffles are so sticky... This waffle is fuzzy and fluffy... Two characteristics you wouldn't want in a food-type waffle...

Did I leave something unsaid? Because usually I don't... I have a long standing habit of saying those things that would be better unsaid (nine inch nails song). If I have to point out the reference, is that a bad thing?

I've added some chaos and confusion and a strange ramble to my little corner of teh interwebz, so I guess my work here is done. Hasta.

Today is the greatest

Day I've ever known... Sometimes when I think of a word, a whole song pops into my head. Anybody else? Just me? Today was a good day (ice cube song)... I think my finals went well, we'll see... My cat woke me up at two am nibbling on my toes, so that's great... He's silly. I don't have a lot to say at the moment because my head is full of other people's voices, but I just thought I'd share a little. Be back soon.

Money management

I can't seem to do it... It's better than it was, but I'm still really struggling... My daughter's birthday is in a couple weeks AND I have to come up with school supplies too. So far I've gotten her three small gifts and figured out her cake decoration (purchased). It's an edible Minecraft image. We're throwing the party at a park to keep things fun while keeping costs down... I need more gifts for her but don't really have the cash for it... Her birthdays always fall on hard times. I feel so bad for her. I don't wanna just go to the dollar store and buy her a bunch of crap she won't use... I just never know what to do for her... I want to give her the earth, the moon and the stars, but I can't even give her a decent birthday. What's a broke ass mom to do??

Hauntings

I'm getting a lot of intrusive memories of my past lately... Some are good, most, I feel bad about. I haven't really been a very good person, but I never did anyone wrong on purpose. But, the road to hell is paved with good intentions, right?

I'm not going to go into specifics here, or name any names... But I can't sleep right now. My mind is racing... With ideas, and flooded with so many memories... I feel remorse for the things I've done even though I was not aware I was doing them at the time... And that's exactly what it always is with me... I am unaware of what I am doing. There's no bad intention, no ulterior motives, just a mind that has wandered off into oblivion.

I wonder if I'll ever be able to think clearly enough to avoid doing things I regret later... I catch myself more now... Maybe there's some magic pill that's just out of my reach that sends the message to my brain that what I'm about to say or do is completely stupid and against what I believe... Maybe I'm just completely stupid... I can be so brilliant sometimes, but I'm so terrible other times. Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde... That's me, in a nutshell... Maybe I've lost my shell...

I'm great in theory, but the reality just doesn't quite hold up, I guess. At least I have the guts to apologize... Once I finally realize I did something wrong. A lot of the time I'm not paying attention, or my mind is occupied.

Either way, I wish this long list of minor transgressions would stop keeping me up at night.

Musical hallucination

I am currently having a musical hallucination. It's AMAZING! I don't get these too often but this one, I wish I could write down... It's a melodic goth sounding almost wind chime like melody. Occasionally, something distracts me  and it gets quieter, but it still persists. Good thing I like the song... It's definitely in a minor key of some sort... Or maybe it was video game music... Hahaha!

Omg math! I wanna die...

I'm taking this intro to inorganic chemistry class because it is required for my major. It is entirely too math heavy for me. I feel like my brain is dying. I absolutely abhor math in all its forms. This is why I'm RETAKING this particular class... I would like it if it didn't have so much damn math in it. I've been working on a lab report that was supposed to take 15 minutes for about two weeks now and the more I try to comprehend the calculations, the worse it gets. I can't stand it. I think, if I remember correctly, that this should be the math heaviest lab we have this quarter. I really hope I'm right. The teacher really is SO much better. I liked my last teacher as a person, but not in the least as a teacher. He was awful. Nothing I did was enough for him. He was pretty much an asshole teacher. I'm taking a writing break to repair my lost brain cells now. I don't know if it'll work, but it's certainly meditative. I should have just become a writer, but now I'm almost out of financial aid, so I'm stuck on my path. It might work, I guess. I like the job I'll probably end up with, but if I was smarter, I'd have played to my strengths. I'll keep writing on the side and hoping somebody will someday want to pay me to do it. Pipe dream, my mother would say... But she always pees in my cheerios.

No sleep! Til next week!

After yet another sleepless night when I know I have to wake up early and *function*, I'm thinking lamictal just might be too activating to take before sleep. At least when I'm already on the upswing...

Kitty so sweet... I love him. :)

More later...

Singeing

Autocorrect is hilarious...

Drifting
Soothing
Sifting
Freeing
Falling
Loving
Dying
Flying
Suffering

Need to write

Something, but I don't know what...

I'm full to the point of bursting
Not at all hungry for anyone
Noises surround me, engulfing
Distrust, learned or earned?

03:46

Can't sleep. Feel like I'm on speed but of course I'm not.

Elevated
Matriculated
Disorganized
Feather brained
Weather trained
Dissolution
Restitution

A deluge of thoughts swirl around my racing brain... How do you sleep when you're full of words? Sleep is for the birds! Birds are chirping their sweet songs... Words dance in front of me... Kitty bells and personal hells. Happiness can be smothering... Bursting with energy, burning in effigy... My brain is on fire.

Thank you :)

Thank you for reading my mindless drivel. It's much appreciated. :)
I'm not really sure what attracts you guys, but I'm glad someone is interested in me nonetheless.
It'd be sweet if somebody would tell me why... but I know you guys won't, and that all of my followers follow anonymously... and that's ok.
It's nice to feel like I have a voice. It's validating. So thank you, for giving me the voice that I've spent my whole life searching for. :)

Irritable

That's where I am today. Everything is fucking irritating!

Quiet

Yesterday was a quieter day... I'm not sure what to expect today. Who am I today? Who am I any day? My cat keeps meowing and I don't know why. So far, I'm still enough to watch TV, but I woke up at 7:30. I never wake up that early. I fell asleep earlier than usual, but not that early... My coffee tastes terrible and I can't make interesting words today. I wonder if I'll be able to work this summer? I feel like writing is a waste of time today.

Can't sleep

Without self medicating. Irritating! Thoughts just race through. I can't imagine what this would be like if I were on no meds. I think I'd be outside climbing trees in the middle of the night. I kicked a gas pump yesterday. I'm not proud but the fucking thing wasn't reading my card. Turned out I was taking it out too fast. Then I locked myself out of my car and had to break into it. I have skills in that department. Not proud... It's 4am and I feel like bursting out of my skin. I called my shrink's office to get in sooner... One more week until I can bitch about my meds not working. My cat spent two hours hunting a moth. He even meowed at it. It was funny. I have blisters all over my hands from breaking into my car. The people who know me are all concerned about me. Yesterday I had mild hallucinations. Last night I slept well but it was only because of the pot. I feel bad when I smoke it because I'm a parent. I only ever use it medicinally (like when I can't sleep or eat). Yesterday I couldn't sleep or eat until I smoked. I was a bit slower today because of it. I'm sore EVERYWHERE and still can't stop moving. Or thinking. Yet no good ideas so far. Except ideas of going somewhere else. I feel very restless... I want a road trip so bad. I should get to see my boyfriend sometime soon. That'll be awesome. Sometimes I can't believe we're still together. This is my longest relationship in years. It's nice. I'm bored now. Good day. I said GOOD DAY!

Appended

Oh yeah... I also haven't showered in a while because I can't sit still that long. I will have to today... I can't sit still for this either. BLAH!

Can't sleep again

Stopped playing around with meds. No halcion, no seroquel... Tried upping xanax because I am allowed to do that, but it never makes me sleepy. I think I got maybe an hour so far. It's a little after 5am.

I'm tired of not sleeping. I'm tired of lots of things. I finished my paper. Good thing I'm good with tangents or I would've been screwed. My cat is weird, but I love him. My sister is here and can't sleep either. At least risperdal calms most of the rushing thoughts. I don't feel as much as usual but I can still tell I'm manic. Just a little less so. I weeded and pulled grass all afternoon. Talked to my boyfriend for a while. I hate typing on this stupid phone!!

My daughter is sleeping Ok so that's good. The cats must be crazy.

Green sky
Flying high
I let out a sigh
Saying goodbye

I think i might be hungry but have no interest in food. My eyes are heavy yet I'm not tired at all. Watching I love Lucy. And other random thoughts... Yes. I am hungry. But I don't care. Food doesn't seem interesting and will take too much time. Boring!

Cats chasing
Birds singing
Sun shining
Dog dining
Not sleeping
Not sweeping

All I can think about is all the things that need to get done. Even though my blanket is soft and warm. I finally closed the windows. I told my mom I was cold... She asked why I hadn't closed the windows. It really hadn't occurred to me.

More talking... Can't sleep! Clowns will eat me! No phone! Not east me! Stupid phone! Why do you people read this? I'm lucid enough (today) to realize it's not interesting... Oh well whatever nevermind...

Most of the 27 club was bipolar. We don't always live long. For a while I thought I'd be joining that club. Now I'm 32. I'm late for everything! Lol

Hot dog? No. Taquitos? No. Eggs? No. String cheese? Maybe, but probably not. Food isn't interesting enough. Besides, I already ate something today.... I can't for the life of me remember what the hell it was but I'm sure I ate. Most days, my mother feeds me something. How sad is that??

Maybe I didn't eat... Who knows? Not me. I had coffee... Hmm... I think I give up on sleeping. I might go make a mocha... And take my day meds... I love that I have an arrhythmia because it's easy to remember my meds. If I forget, my heart rate goes out of control and since I take it twice a day, I just take all my pills at the same time. Except xanax and stomach med. I notice when it's time for xanax and just take the stomach med with it.

The birds are singing me the prettiest song this morning. My brother's high school graduation is today. He's the first person in my immediate family to walk. No wonder my mental illness was so hard for me to believe... Lol

My phone is being really stupid. My cat is my friend. I think I'm done spewing nonsensical garbage for now.

warm up

I'm supposed to be working on my huge paper, so I'm here, warming up... letting the words to the thoughts spill out to get me started. I think I'm too tired to write. I haven't been sleeping very well lately... Naturally. On the days I take sleeping pills, I sleep just fine, but I'm not supposed to be taking them. Maybe if my shrink was taking me more seriously, I wouldn't need to. But that's just another thought... inside my head... these little voices, they're talking to me... I'm talking back again... Sorry...Sorry baby, I'm so sorry...
I seem to be coming down with something lately too. My throat hurts and my skin hurts. I do not understand why my skin hurts when I'm sick, but it does. I think I might be hungry, but I have zero interest in food these days. I haven't been eating much, some days not at all. Feeling sweet feeling, drips from my fingers... Manic depression is a frustrating mess!
So, I felt I needed fuel to reignite the flames of the written word inside my head, so I bought a bottle.... against the warning labels on my meds. Who cares? I'm not going anywhere. I live through everything. I must be here for something big because I never die. My laptop is uncomfortable. Is it bad that I relate so much to Eminem's music? I have stories that rival his lyrics easily... My life would scare a normal person. In fact, I learned that in everyday experiences. So I just don't talk to people about it. I don't tell people that when I was 14 and homeless, I used to break into houses, cook their food and leave. So many grilled cheese sandwiches with nice pans, in nice kitchens... Other people live so much better than me... that was when I learned that, I think. I wonder what it's like to function??
\Why do people call it "hard liquor"? It makes so much sense to just say "liquor". Weird.
I noticed a sharp increase in pageviews lately... Hi. :) How are you?
My little sister got singing lessons, I got poverty. Life is strange. My ipod is full. I think I might be hungry, but nothing sounds good. Food... what a pain in the ass. It takes too much time to make the food, eat it, etc. Boring! Something strange just happened to my post, but I'm just working right on through it. Fuck this, that little blue box is irritating. I'm done now.

can't think

I'm supposed to be writing a paper right now, but I can't think well enough to do it. My brain feels like jello. I hate med shifts. I decided not to take the sleeping pill tonight, even if it means not sleeping because I'd rather be off the rails manic than unable to use my brain. I read up a little on anterograde amnesia... some of it sounds vaguely familiar... but I can't remember why! lol
Anyway, about the paper... I need that spark of inspiration, and for my brain to wake up. I've been somewhat debilitated over the last couple of weeks (note, this is BEFORE holding the risperidone for allergy testing). I've decided to give my therapist the link to this blog, so if it seems to have suddenly gotten a bit more clinical, that's probably why.
Random ramblings.... Geez, I cannot focus today. I think this must be what non-writers feel like when they try to write. There aren't many thoughts in my head right now. Triazolam may not be the greatest for sleep for me, but it sure acts as a strong anti-manic in me. Strange... I wonder if anyone else has had that happen? Maybe I'll go ask someone. Anyway, before the triazolam, I was racing at full speed.... I know that feeling very well. My mind gets sharp, but then it sharpens too far and starts to zero in on strange things. I felt it coming. This is getting too personal. I think I'm done now.

Irritated!

I don't like how triazolam makes me feel the next day. I'm tired all day, and then totally wired afterward. I'm really irritable right now and I don't know why. I'm skipping school because I'm afraid I'll freak out on my teacher again. I'm busy right now. I'll write more later.

Triazolam

I finally took a Triazolam last night and slept for a few hours. Now I just feel out of it. I don't know what I feel but I still haven't gotten out of bed. I'm irritable and tired. Today I'm wondering if I'm really bipolar at all. Not because I feel well, because I don't, but because I wonder to what degree is feeling unwell normal. Then I remember how fucked my life is, and how many times I've narrowly escaped hospitalization, death and jail. I'm not on the right meds, but I saw promise for a few minutes on them.
On the one hand, I'm a little relieved that the manic frenzy of last night had temporarily subsided (because I know it's from the Triazolam and won't last long), on the other, I wish I was doing something. I'm bored and irritated. My thoughts are slow, which is strange. I think over the last 6+ months I've been depressed (until a few weeks ago when I stopped sleeping) because I was having a lot of suicidal ideation (including plans) and couldn't get out of bed. I think my shrink thinks my illness is mild, whereas I think my appointments with him are far too short for him to have any idea.
I wish I could be more. Maybe this is a moment of clarity. I can't tell. My mind is too slow today. I think I'm gonna skip school again today because I don't feel like I can handle it at all... By the time this crap wears off, I won't be able to sit still again and I'll probably have another fit and yell at my professor again. I haven't gone to school in over a week. I spent two days out in my garden working feverishly... Now my muscles all hurt. Last night, I tried to sleep for 6 hours before finally taking that pill. This time I only took one. Last time I took three. I didn't like the way I felt the next day, much like I don't like typing on this stupid fucking phone! It's 1pm and I haven't started my daughter on her schoolwork yet and just now remembered there's a meeting she's supposed to be in. Better go log her in...
It must be wearing off because my heart rate is accelerating and I feel like getting up and moving around. Before I started the Triazolam I was dancing in my kitchen. I wish I could find a way to make my shrink understand what's really going on... I need a shower but I just don't care. I remember how the last 6 months it's been a battle to shower or even brush my teeth... That's probably really bad. My shrink and therapist don't know that, or any of the other ways in which I fail to function... They don't know that I still can't keep money in my account, that I haven't worked since January because I feel like I can't... That I have to repeat my chemistry course because depression killed my progress, or how many times my poor boyfriend (and mother) has talked me out of killing myself.
It's really freaking cold in here today. I hate cold. After just going through the motions of the bare minimum of my life for over 6 months, a day of energy was nice enough to tempt me to stop all my meds altogether. I remember that horrible mixed state that cost me my boyfriend's trust though. I still haven't fixed that. That was the first time he talked me out of driving my car off a bridge. We almost broke up during that episode because I went completely nuts on him and called him up screaming a bunch of paranoid shit at him. We've never been the same. He's not open with me anymore. I think he's a little afraid of me. In fact, he's probably not alone. I remember one of the times I verbally assaulted my ex at work in front of everyone. Whatever. I have to go do something. Anything at all.

Cant sleep... AGAIN

I can't sleep. I have an allergy test coming up and I'm off half my meds for it but I couldn't sleep for about 2 weeks before that... No, it was longer... That why I started taking my seroquel again even though I'm not supposed to. I only get 15 min appts with my shrink and I'm already not sure how to convey my needs to him. I'm not particularly comfortable with him yet either. I've been seriously considering visiting a hospital but I know my family would stop me. I'm so fucking bored! I hate insomnia. I might just get up and do something but I don't want to wake anyone up and since I sleep in the living room that's already a challenge. I think at my next appt I'll just have my doctor read this crap. Maybe then he'll understand. Right now I'm just quietly watching movies and fidgeting. I'd rather be doing... Just about anything else. Drinking, maybe? I was given a new sleeping pill to temporarily replace the antipsychotic I'm on and the one I've been taking without my pdoc's permission. I'm not sure if it works, but I was awfully sedate this morning after taking it last night. I didn't really sleep that well last night, but was VERY tired all day today... Until I was supposed to sleep, of course! Wtf do I do? I'm losing it...

Apology for my gender

Hetero Gentleman, I would like to offer a formal apology for emotional crimes committed against you by women everywhere. I am truly sorry for what you as a gender have been through. This will soon degrade into a rant, so I wanted to lead with that.

That said, I cannot BELIEVE the way I see women everywhere treat their men. It makes me feel so bad for you guys. I know that most of the time, especially in an existing relationship, all you guys want is to see us happy. But women don't seem to know how to appreciate things. I just don't get it... I would NEVER treat my man that way. He is the King to my Queen, as it should be.

Today, in the grocery store, I witnessed a woman yelling at her husband for not being right by her side, like a mother might a child! I was shocked and deeply offended. I felt so sorry for that poor man. As I walked past her (I was kinda bad), I loudly voiced my opinion on the subject, directly telling her to "shut the hell up and have the maturity to at LEAST not to bitch at another person in the middle of the goddamn grocery store". What an emasculating bitch! This wasn't Walmart, and sadly, I see it everywhere I go! I'm in utter disbelief... What is wrong with the world?? No wonder the divorce rate is so fucking high! Quit being colossal cuntbags and maybe they won't stray or leave! It'll help, I promise. Your man wants to make you happy, otherwise there is no reason for him to want to stay (unless he's a true psycho, but that's pretty rare). Trust that he has good intentions and leave the nit picky shit the hell alone!

I hope my man appreciates me lol because he could certainly do a lot worse. I can't believe the utter bitches out there! Bitches be CRAZY!

I can't sleep

It's 6 am and I still can't sleep. No seroquel = no sleepy. I have some allergy testing coming up and have to be off half my meds this week so I can't sleep and I'm terribly bored of trying to.

Blah blah blah. Blah blah blah.

Simply magic

The colorful lights dance across the deep black sky
blue and green and purple
yellow and orange and red
all shifting to the beat
The vivid music fills my soul
Enchanted
I am transfixed
She stops in her tracks

taken aback by the beautiful sights we are breathing in together

Day suddenly breaks
Bright and true
The sky looks happy to greet us
Blinded, I reach for sunglasses
Dolphins swim to the deep beat
Friendly and soothing
They reach up for a pet

interacting with everyone
She looks so happy

like I've never seen her before

she pets a dolphin lovingly

Flying white fluffy clouds change to white doves
white doves transform into people dressed in all white
The people jump into white cars                

Racing happily all over the rough dirt road
dirt flies in all directions 

white cars chasing children who scream with delight                      

The white cars turn to planes                       

Which turn to white fluffy clouds                               

And the dance begins anew

she chases a car, looking determined to catch it

I am so taken I can't close my eyes
She laughs happily
The laughter and cheers of small children
Pour into my brain
I am one with all
we are one with all
Simply magic

I never want to leave here
what a beautiful dream

vacation for my brain

Stress

Frustration
Obligation
Eating me up inside
What a wild ride

Occupation
Temptation
It's all too much
Need a friendly touch

Reputation
Obliteration
It's killing me
Let me be

high tide

i think the tides have shifted
my thoughts have picked up speed
flying by, racing mind
or maybe I'm just drunk

maybe it's mixed...
I guess we'll see
you and me

manic depression is a frustrating mess.

but with liquor I am blessed.

Ode to the Unknown Caller

o unknown caller
how your presence insults me
each time i take a shower
there you are, ringing away
i dish up my dinner
and you call yet again
it seems every time I'm busy
you are there
with such persistence

o unknown caller
why must you bother me?
did i forget a bill?
is it something you wish I'd buy?
Please just leave me be
unknown caller - you are really getting to me
RING!!! There you are again!

deep blue

a slip, a careless little stumble
and a fall into the deep blue ocean
don't have the strength to fight
so i don't swim
i just start to sink
like concrete blocks
i sink down further
i start to choke
i feel the cold
as it overtakes me
watch the pretty fish swim by
i hear the splash of someone
someone diving in to save me
feel their water rush toward me
still far above
they rush
i relax into the water
sinking further
it's too late
I've made myself a home
here under the deep blue
i breathe in one last breath of water
and become one with the sand
the end

I must start adding titles! Remind me, please?

I'm trying to write something useful, like good lyrics, but I'm stuck. And my music isn't playing right. everything is pissing me off. and I can't get a good buzz no matter how hard i try. my sister and i are working to eventually collaborate on some of my lyrics, but she's busy with her own album, so i don't see her much. you know what? None of this is any of your business. I feel... something I can't place.

Life

Fast track to destruction

life in the land of cliche

I think one of these days, I'll rework some of my lyrics so they suck less and do an open mic night. One of these days, I'll pick up my guitar and be better at it. One of these days, I'll relearn the violin. One of these days, I do something. But not today. Today is all about survival. Today, I will do the homework that's already late, and try to keep myself alive. Why is that so hard? I almost did it a few years ago, but decided I didn't want my daughter finding me. That's the only thing that stopped me. If she wasn't here, I'd have been hospitalized repeatedly... For ups and for downs...

For ups and for downs

for keeps, for you

see me through

and i'll see to you

i need something more interesting to write about. Everything I've written in the last few years is so boring and stale. Sometimes I think I should change my major to English and try to become a writer. Other times, I think everything I write is a complete waste of space. 

fake plastic love

Fake plastic love... I get that. completely. I think my meds might be too low. I'm having those moments (months) where I think I'm being brilliant when I'm not, and then moments (weeks to months) like this. But since time itself is only an illusion, what difference does a little thing like how long my suffering lasts really matter to the universe? I am a speck of dust. I am a speck of dust as far as humans are concerned, too. Particularly me.

On to fake plastic love... I wonder what real love is? I don't think I'd know it if it walked up and bit my ass. Several things have... Namely words I've uttered... Thoughts are dripping today, rather than rushing forward like a break in a dam. My brain is melted, or so it feels...Since I have no clue what the real thing looks like, how would I know what fake looks like, you ask? Well, I know a few things... Fake love is founded on lies, insecurity, filling a void, or some combination thereof. I'm sure there are other kinds of fake love... For example, if you are in a relationship with someone you almost never see, is it real? The love might be, but the relationship most likely is not. Because it most likely is non-existent.

Blah blah blah... I wonder pretty often what nursing homes will be like when my generation gets to them. I hope I make it long enough to find out. I think my cancer will come back though, if I don't end up killing myself somehow first. I'm taking an English class this quarter. I think that's where some of my words have gone. The rest, I'm afraid is probably depression. Depression is a mean little parasite, feeding off of any little shreds of you in can find... Until there is nothing left and you're empty like I am. One more time! With feeling! Sorry Mrs. E (my 6th grade orchestra teacher), but I'm just not able today... Maybe tomorrow.

DId you know that before people die, the body tries to prepare by emptying? That's everything... But there is always some left behind. That's where CNAs come in. Postmortem care involves cleaning the patient's entire body, particularly peri-care (that's clean up of pee & poop for those not in the know...). After they are cleaned, redressed in nice clothes, their bedding changed, and their body staged for family goodbyes, they are sent off to the morgue, where they will be cleaned and dressed up again. The more you know...

What's the use in me?

I am full of words 24 hours a day, 7 days a week... Here for your amusement, since my life is really just one big cosmic joke. Are you amused yet? I'm not. I'm angry, and sad... so very sad. I wish I knew why. I know I'm under quite a bit of pressure these days, but I always am, and I usually handle it just fine. This time, I have sunken into the abyss and don't even have the energy to fight the waves... I'm just... sinking. Forget the fight, let's just go under. What else can I do, really? I fail to see a way out of my life, and the problems that consume it. A flame of anguish is inhaling me, digesting me, spitting out my ash...

The word load has lightened today, there is progressively less and less in me as the days drift past. I feel... dry. If that makes any sense. I don't know how else to explain it. At least there is rum today. That helped for about a minute and a half. Then, I think it was about the same. If ever I was in need of a reason to live, today is one of those days. I feel so useless. All I can do is curl up into a ball on the couch. When I force myself to get up, I don't get very far. My body does not want me up and moving. I feel pain everywhere, my chest hurts when I get up, and I feel a little like I'm going through withdrawal. Of what, I have no idea. No drugs, no med changes, no explanation. I want to write something worth reading. That's what I came here for, but I'm so low I can't even do that right. What's the use in me?

This was a dream I had - Fuck, i don't know... Somebody else name it.

Bubbles swirl around my weary eyes
Glitter flies all around me, or is it dust?
Pop pop pop eyes burn
I guess when my heart's on fire, soap gets in my eyes.

0300 hours

I can't sleep. My headphones are broken. One ear works if it's positioned just right. Whatever. I'll buy new ones when I get my ass out of the house and to the store. Or maybe I'll send somebody else.

I love The Cure. I hate my meds. I'm fat, stupid and itchy and STILL have serious problems. I still fall off the face of the earth. I recently ignored my boyfriend for an entire week and I don't even know why. I still cry for 6 months if something bad happens. I still don't know what to do with my life. My ideas change every day. I'm in my 30s. I can't hold on to money because I either buy 57 mochas or spend it all on some stupid shit I think will make me rich someday. Idea + ???? = PROFIT!

This is irritating. Lamictal makes me itchy. Risperdal makes me fat. Xanax makes me stupid. Probably they all do. I'm a hopeless mess. I miss everyone but I think they all hate me and I have absolutely nothing to say to anyone. It's not like I'm any good to anyone right now. I think this started about two weeks ago. Fun. Hopefully it'll be short. Or mixed. At least mixed I can get off the couch. I get suicidal but still. It's nice to move. And be able to keep up. I feel like the whole world is spinning in circles around me.

I think I'm done. I don't wanna talk to you anymore.

Dreams

I have a lot of dreams. Usually several a night and some quite strange. I need to start writing them all down and making songs out of them. I need to start making better decisions, and better writing. All I can create is baked goods and so many words... Congratulations, you have won! It's a year's subscription of bad puns...

I need more music in my life. If I could I'd perform mine. I can't do anything today. Except fail. I've gotten really good at that recently. Thanks for that, Mr A. I get to repeat this class. Love that. Except I don't. Not at all.

But that's beside the point. I think there was one. The words, the thoughts are coming slow today. These weeks. I cant remember when this got started. But I can tell you exactly how it will end... Overstimulated and empty at the same time. I feel dead inside, but full at the same time.
I need to be honest with my therapist but i don't feel like i can trust her.

This is exhausting. I think I'm done now.

Fishing in the grass

So very cold in here
Dank and dark, calm
Can shift, cannot steer
Smell of sweat, stale air
Cold feet, sticky bed
Itchy, flaky, feeling gray
Tepid skin, messy head
Have to go, have to run
Escape and leave this hell
That I created, told them to leave
All alone, locked up in my cell

Outside, Surrounded by sounds
The world spins by
Leaves me behind, breathless
Too many lights overtake the sky
So many distant voices
Crowding my ears, my mind
Feel numb and dead inside
Longing to be surrounded by my own kind
Don't know who they are
Feel so alien, so lost

Under the radar

The unseen
The unheard
Living green
Crash and burn

Come out and play
You'll get used to the dark
Come out and play
Explore the spark

This is boring. Maybe I'll fix it later. I think meds broke me.

I had something to say, but I forgot what it was...

Maybe if I type ferociously enough, and spill out enough words, it'll come back. It was prose, I think. I'm full of that crap.

Oh no... I remember...

I was thinking about how in the grand scheme of things, humans are merely space dust and therefore, nothing really matters at all. This thought occupies my brain a whole lot. Like where other people would get upset. I get upset about stupid things instead. Like running out of soy milk. I have a nearly paralyzing fear of running out of food. Anyway, I have strayed from the purpose of my post...

The world is ending? Really? Well, mankind is but a parasitic plague on the entire planet anyway. I'd say the universe, but we are much too small to have that big an effect. What have we really done anyway? Dumped a lot of space garbage out into the solar system, sure... But the universe doesn't care. It's one huge machine full of garbage disposals (black holes). I'm not fully convinced that there isn't something really really cool inside of black holes, nor am I condoning dumping garbage into space. Why do humans feel the need to crap all over everything, anyway? What the hell is our problem??

Space dust. The more people realize this concept, the better off society will be. Imagine, if you will, a world where people realized that the little things just don't matter. I'm not saying we should all live in perfect apathy, then even more people would probably be starving to death and or dying of completely curable illnesses... Just that the mentality that if it won't matter when you're 90, it shouldn't matter today is a worthwhile one to spread around. Let's spread this thought around like a $2 whore, shall we? Who's with me?
Probably nobody. Everybody's too busy chasing money, wasting their limited time on Earth not smelling the roses, acting like assholes for no real reason other than to "get ahead", etc.

I'm tired of typing now.

No title

Come fly with me
Come fly
Let's fly away...
Away from here
To a land more free
Before darkness creeps near
Take my hand, you will see

Something or nothing

I have nothing to write about.

I'm bored so I must be boring
A hole through my own mind
I'm a caged bird singing
Have I found my own kind?

school is hard...

So I have this huge research paper due. I thought it was due in two weeks... Nope. It's due in THREE DAYS. Why am I not surprised that I got the date wrong? I'm having trouble getting started writing, so I thought I'd come here for a bit... then do some research, since I haven't even started that, let alone my paper... then stay up all night writing. Hopefully, I can pull it off. Do I take my meds? Or skip them knowing that mania will actually help here?? I think I will skip them for now.... since they cause mental dulling... but I have to be up early tomorrow to put out fires in my life... and my meds MAKE me sleep. Not just sleepy, but SLEEP. For hours and hours and hours.... If I skip them entirely, who knows what will happen, but I need to be manic right now. I have way too much shit to get done, a dull mind, no motivation and very little energy. I need that drastic upswing. Maybe I'll skip them just for tonight... I'm a little afraid... Something I never really felt before I took meds. I feel kind of over medicated these days anyway... one night won't kill me... hopefully... I need to research, but it's so damn noisy here. I wish I had my shit together so there wouldn't be so many fires... and noises...
Fire
Noise
Dirt
Elbow!
I think I'll skip them for tonight. I think even my man would understand this time. I just won't do it again without my Pdoc's permission. I think I talked about 100 million miles per hour in my therapy session today, and yet, when it comes to this assignment, I have no words. I have no idea what she's really expecting of me, so all I can really do is read a lot, spill a bunch of words out and hope for the best. Pray, really. The paper is 4-6 pages, which would be fine for me if it wasn't a gigantic research assignment. If I could just spill out stream of consciousness, I'd be in great shape. But, no, I have to actually KNOW what the fuck I'm talking about. Shit. And people are awake, making toast in my bedroom. Because I live in the damn living room of someone else's house. This is lovely. Three days. My kid's still awake, too, because unlike me, nothing can make her sleep. That's why I'm here instead of researching. I don't need focus to be here, it just all spills out. I think I might give the link to my therapist and really let her see what goes on in my head, but there are probably things I really don't want her knowing here. Or anyone. Thanks for being such a great sounding board, by the way. Oh my god... I have to get started on this... On top of all that, I'm using my phone's internet connection because comcast sucks donkey dong.

I don't think I was ever really afraid of anything before I was medicated. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, because fear is really debilitating when you aren't accustomed to it. Fear sucks. I know I was anxious, but that's an entirely different feeling than fear. Fear can eat you up. Anxiety just makes you wanna walk around a lot. That's good exercise anyway.

So, I've noticed a HUGE spike in views lately, and once again, that has me wondering who the hell all you people out there on teh interwebs are???????? TELL ME! I command you! Dammit! That never works! Why doesn't that ever work. I wish I cold read people's minds. Than I'd know what my instructor wants me to write. I really don't feel the instructions were that clear. Would you believe this entire post has taken me less than 15 minutes to write? Oh yeah... Now I SHARE said living room with ANOTHER PERSON. Makes studying easy. lol

Toilet. Busiest place in the house. Damn. I type fast. That's a whole lot of words. Ok, my work is done here. You're very welcome, anonymous people of the who knows what from who knows where. Good day. I said  GOOD DAY!

Can't sleep

Clowns will eat me.
But they already ate my brain.
Can't sleep!

Brain food

Patiently and anxiously she waits.
She watches clouds roll by,
she watches the night fall away.
She wonders what it's like to fly.

Buzz...

Lightyear to the rescue!
What are things?
Things are good.
Good thoughts bring
Hopefully something.

This isn't worth the time it'll take to read, so you really shouldn't bother. At best it might be moderately amusing, especially if autocorrect chimes in.

Fish
Wish.

I wish I had some fish. I'm kinda hungry. Hungry for you, mostly...
Where was I going with that? My train left the station. Somewhere. Some where. Some here. Some near. Come here dear.

Some space
Electrified
Sweet face
Terrified
Proper place
Somebody lied
Saving grace
Fit to be tied
Mesh and lace
Satisfied
Head case
Mystified
But not a trace

I think I'm done with that one for now. I kinda like it though.

Christmas day

The fun is over. I love watching my child open gifts. She's so appreciative. :)

Went on some sort of manic baking frenzy last night and was up til 2 or 3 and awakened at about 8. Kinda tired.

random shit nobody needs to read

My brain is full at the moment. I'm mixing alcohol with my med cocktail tonight. I wonder if something happened, if anybody would care. I know my daughter would, and my mother would have to take care of her, so I'm sure she'd care... Plus, she'd feel terrible. But would anybody else care? I doubt it. I know if anything happened to my whatever-he-is, I would spiral into the depths of the abyss, but I can't say I think he'd feel that way about me. I'm not sure I can tell how he feels about me today. But every time I get to thinking like this *this time* I've found out later that all was well all along and it was distorted thinking. *This man* really is a special case, and has gone out of his way to show me that. I just wish he'd take me out more often. I think I'd feel more secure in us if he would. But the point of relationships is what you can give, not what you can get.

I'm worried about school because I'm not sure I can take the pressure of getting in once I've satisfied all of my pre-reqs. I don't really know what else to say about that. Everyone around me is very reassuring, and I have offers for letters of recommendation for getting in, but none of those people know how very NOT functional I am, at least right now. Some days, I can't even get up to take a shower. That's not right. My med appointment was bumped up, so that's promising...

I'm very frustrated. I want things to be more, and a bit faster between the two of us, but I couldn't handle it yet. I'm not ready to meet his kids yet, but I want to be. It's been a damn year. I should be ready by now. It's not him, it's the fact that his kids are older, and I don't really know how to get along with older children. I'm afraid they will see through me and think I'm not a real adult. The more time goes by, the older they get. Scary. I'm trying to work that out in therapy. I know he wants me to meet them *someday* (such a magical word, someday), but I think that he senses that I'm not ready. He wants a lot of things for us someday. Of the two of us, he's put a lot more thought into this relationship than I have. I just work on my end. lol That's kinda all I can handle. He's the one who plans and stuff. I definitely see him in my future, but I don't have a timeline at all. He appears to.

If they would just stop lowering my xanax dose I wouldn't want to drink so badly. I do make *the best* homemade Bailey's, though. I may never want to stop drinking. Meds suck for that.

At least my brain isn't full of nonsensical garbage like it usually is. It's just full of worries. I feel fear. A lot of fear. I don't know what it's about, or where it is coming from, just fear. He tried to comfort me and soothe the fears... Maybe that's why he has fears about me. Because I'm afraid. I don't know what I'm afraid of today. There is a monster inside my head. I'm supposed to be writing two papers, and reading two and a half chapters, but I'm just happy I made it through the other chapter and a half I was supposed to read. My homework is easy, I just can't get in the right frame of mind right now to do it. Maybe after my daughter goes to bed it'll be easier.

I don't really feel ready for anything right now. I don't know what the hell my problem is today. I just feel sort of half-baked, like I just need more time in the oven and I'll be ok. I wish I knew where the oven was. I'd crawl inside it and hide for a while. I need a cocoon. A place to hide, recuperate, and grow. I need serenity... In a place where I can hide. I need serenity... Nothing changes, days go by...

My thoughts are half-baked, for sure. I'm still wondering who all you people are. Something about asking the identity of a masked man... There's a half a thought for ya. It's the first quiet night here in quite a while. The house has been full of people all week. That's where I got behind on my homework. I usually turn it all in early because I cannot remember what day today is, let alone what day something's due. I'm terrified that I will forget to hand things in and flunk out of school. Like I said, a lot of fear is permeating my brain today. I feel... permeable. If that makes sense... My brain is permeable. Like plastic dishes. The rot around me is trying to sink in, and I'm trying so hard to push it back out. But I am permeable today, so I am susceptible.

I'm going to go do my homework, and come back with a good buzz so I can write something worth reading.

CRAP dream

I just had a dream that I was at a family function and somebody kept stealing my laptop over and OVER again. Wtf??

No idea

Sometimes I don't know why I do the things I do. Other times I think I do and find out later that it was based on flawed thinking. That last one seems to happen a whole lot. Then I feel bad. This is boring so far, isn't it? I'm sorry.

I have been bouncing off the walls all day. I can't sit still unless I'm cold. I STILL don't feel like I've gotten enough done. I bought my pepper seeds to FINALLY get them started on time, but didn't start them yet. I'm a little afraid to since I'm not so great with houseplants.

I just took my bedtime meds, so chances are, this post will get more interesting as I go on.

My bedtime meds make me stupid, though. It's an unfortunate trade off for being halfway sane. Sane... What is sanity, really? In my humble opinion it is really only an illusion, but then, what would I know about sanity? It's really only a place I infrequently visit...

What, dear internet, are your views on sanity? I often wonder what other people think about things. I kind of feel alien most days. I wonder if other people feel that way?

I've been pretty bogged down with homework lately. Yeah this is a boring post. I'll come back later. Maybe.

Honesty and Openness

I kind of stole this picture, but it's just *too* perfect.
So, one of my therapy goals is working on openness. I figured this would be a pretty good place to start, since I'm fairly anonymous here. As most of you have probably guessed, I am bipolar, and horribly under medicated at this time. I'm not really sure what else to say at the moment. Usually, words flow through me like a river I can't stop. I feel off today, in general. I've been on a manic streak, and mine are mostly euphoric, so that's good on everything but the over-confidence, self-destruction and finances. Lol.

Sometimes I have these brief moments of clarity in between this, and wonder what's really going on... Because day to day, I really can't tell. Sometimes it is distorted thinking, other times, I am outright delusional.

Openness can be rather difficult for me, because I'm often not sure where I am from moment to moment, if that makes sense... Sometimes, I think the people around me are tricking me, other times I think my brain is tricking me. I suppose it's probably a combination of the two. I often feel like I can't really relate to the general public. I work with people every day, so I can, to an extent, but with other bipolar people, it's like a whole new level of connectedness, so I seek out other manic depressive people both unconsciously and consciously. By unconsciously, I mean I've discovered that almost everyone I've ever been close to is bipolar. By consciously, well, you know what I mean there. I have a really hard time sustaining friendships because I tend to fall off the face of the earth as far as anyone but lovers are concerned... Whoever I am dating is usually the only person who consistently hears from me. Because of this, I spend a lot of time on internet forums for bipolar people. It's just easier that way. We *get* each other, there is little guesswork, and if I am not around for a couple weeks, nobody gets all butt hurt about it.

The people I unconsciously seek out, however, do not usually practice this same courtesy of letting the person they are dating (me) know what's up and even I get butt hurt over it. How am I supposed to NOT take it personally?? I think that in intimate relationships, there is a certain degree of responsibility toward your partner, and if you can't manage it, you clearly don't like them enough to bother. Anyway, this is all just my opinion, and none of it matters. Suffice to say, I am holding a whole lot of information back, and will be focusing a lot more on myself in relationships than I have in the past. If I'm not a priority to you, you are no longer a priority to me. Catch my drift?

So, back to more important things... I've had one or two days of deep depression that came completely out of the blue - like can't get out of bed all day, catatonic, in tears alternating with numbness kind of depression. The rest of the days, I've been bouncing off the walls and driving everyone crazy, which seems to be as "baseline" as I get. I really hope my new psychiatrist will sort out the mess that is my meds, because it's long overdue. I think this is the clearest thought stream I've had in quite a while, and that's saying something bad, I think, because I bet most of you aren't following this train too easily as it meanders through the countryside.

More things...? I don't know. I'm trying my best to put mixed states to good use by baking, as I've always done in the past. I bet it's quite a sight to see someone furiously bake the way I do. Mixed states are awful, though, and a good number of people commit suicide during them because in one, you are often terribly depressed, but full of the energy it takes to end your life. So I beat up dough when I'm in a mixed state. And make potholders when my thoughts are racing but my body can't move.

I have trouble sustaining relationships, as anyone who has ever read this blog already knows. I'm not really sure why, but lately I've been thinking that I begin to focus too intently on pleasing my partner way too soon and thus, I become rather boring. Either way, MY needs matter, dammit. I don't want to talk about this one any more.

The sky was blue today, for about a fraction of a second. That really only happens here when it's absolutely freezing. I hate freezing. I still want to experience life in Alaska, though. Somewhere where I can garden for 6 months at a time, and see aurora borealis... I also want to live in southern California for a little while, and many other places. But here is where I hit a snag... One, I've already moved about 40+ times, and two, I don't have the money... Idea + ????? = profit! That is how my brain works.

I found he first location for my candy machine route yesterday. I'm excited because it'll bring an alternative source of income, which I need. I was also encouraged to see that my adsense account has a balance of about $13. They won't pay me until it reaches $100, and it's taken since 2006 to earn that $13, but still. It's something. (PLEASE CLICK MY ADS??? I'm begging...)

I think I'm done now. I think that's enough gut spilling for one day. Or one lifetime. We shall see.

Funny

I like this one :)

adsense

give a girl a hand? please and thank you :)

shrink

now that all the spillover is done, and my thoughts have slowed some, i thought i'd post something a little more thoughtful.

i did find a new shrink, who is willing to work on finding the *right* meds for me, which i'm excited about. but, i can't see her until february, so bear with me. lol my daughter's health is still doing well. her meds still don't put her to sleep. gee, i wonder why. i hear bipolar is inherited on the mother's side. sorry, sweetie. i found a new therapist, which is nice. somebody gets paid to talk to me. that's always good, right? i haven't been able to manage to work in a while and i bet they are starting to think i fell off the face of the earth. for all intents and purposes, i did. i bought a new tank for my apv. i like it. it's a jtank. vapes like a champ, and doesn't leak at all, even in my messy purse & life. school has started again. so far, i'm staying afloat. i hope to keep it up. the cats are good. the man is good. he's nice. i promise. lol

what other news do i have? the kale is *still* providing food. everything else is pretty much dormant. i hope it all comes back. i think i killed my palms. i'm still going to try again if i did. because i cannot be taught. lol well, it's med time and hopefully bed time, so that's all i have for now. boring, huh? 

there's the title button. i lost it

i lost my mind, too. at a very early age. i need to spill a bunch of words today, so here i go. i feel like i'm poisoning everyone i try to talk to today. i can't escape my own mind. when is this going to end? i'm heavily medicated, but you wouldn't know it, huh? i bet you guys can all still tell there's something SERIOUSLY wrong with me. hazelnut e juice tastes fantastic. if any of you vape, try Mt. Baker Vapor. they are amazing. i kinda want to die. i'm glad i'm glued to the damn couch. i wish this monster would leave me the hell alone. even the people i relate to best, i can't talk to today. it just isn't working, and that makes my brain hurt even more. work sucks. my cat is awesome. my thoughts are fucking racing a million miles an hour and are completely unproductive. i did my homework. this is all just spillover and i apologize to anyone reading it, even though i always said i never would.

i was terrible to him, and i can't go a single day without kicking myself for halfway losing him over it. i'm terrible to everyone. i'm working on in therapy, but i'm so damn good at pretending everything is fine when it's not. i don't even do it on purpose, or even realize i'm doing it. the punctuation stops here. its a pain in the ass. i know its wrong but just be happy im adding periods. i hear its really annoying when i dont. i often dont in speech. another reason everyone fucking hates me. like i dont have enough of those.

i need different meds, these arent working. i miss him, but he doesnt miss me. is there any question as to why that is? no. of course not. i cant blame anyone who wants nothing to do with me. i still dont even know what he sees in me. maybe hes just being self destructive by keeping me around. still around, but far away. wise man. lol he cant catch my crazy, though. its not contagious, in case you didnt know.

where the hell do all these page views come from? either im a genius or a fucking monster. i cant decide today. who are you people? why are you always anonymous? why dont i get to know who you are? i always wonder who is watching me, can you blame me???

hold on, need more portishead.

omg my brain is full of nonsensical garbage today. back and forth from low to high i dont know what the hell is going on. i confess my secrets on the forum. the board. the bored. where is everything. where the hell am i? i miss me.... i fully understand that statement today, but i still wish he missed me, at least sometimes. Geez. i give him everything. everything i have. im clearly not giving the right things though because hes still hungry for more. i can feel it. why does he dominate my thoughts so??????? not fair.

i must be fascinating to have so many damn views. still wondering who the hell is watching me so closely. nobody i know knows about this blog. i should pass it on to my therapist. lol let her see whats really going through my head on bad days. because all she sees is me lying on her desk like a slug. by the way, any psychiatrist who sees you like that, all lifeless and whatnot, and doesnt IMMEDIATELY prescribe MORE meds is a complete quack who isnt really looking out for you. i feel dead inside and yet so god damn full. i dont know what to do. i wish i had physical energy but then i probably would have actually done the thing by now. the thing im not supposed to do because i have a small child who loves me and would be all alone without me.

but it seems like the only way some days. i hate this shit. im under a cloud today. but i showered so im proud of me. i made it to class, and went through the motions like a good little crazy fuck. i think its time for my xanax. my back hurts from carrying the thoughts inside my head.

yeah, so thanks for reading my shit. i have just taken a verbal dump. lol

Comment dammit! I know you're out there. the stats show you. please say something. this blog is mainly for me, but i get lonely.

nothing

things to say
this thing gets worse day by day
i hate my phone today
because you aren't using it
i feel like shit
all i can do is sit

where are you
when i need you
why do i need you
when you don't need me?

but the thoughts go racing by
i sigh
wish i could die
then the suffering would end
the suffering i send
cannot be a friend
where are you
when i need you
why do i need you
when you don't need me?

i need to be more to you
i wish you thought so too
feelings of deja vu
and i'm empty
blinded i can't see
what you see in me
must be nothing